Excerpt From: “The Loser’s Diary”, AKA “Don’t Do What I Do. Com”
Excuses to NOT go to the gym
Let’s be honest about this, most people don’t actually like going to the gym. The losers don’t anyway. Those big muscled guys with more testosterone flowing through their pinkie finger than in some guy’s whole bodies love it, they love to push weight, they get an exhilarating feeling from it, and they love other guys and girls looking at their bodies in wonder and hope that one day they could get that big. The average Moe, like me and you reading this, we don’t like it. It’s a chore for us, akin to cleaning the microwave or the oven (cooker if you’re American). Therefore, when the need for an excuse NOT to go to the gym arises, it’s good to have plenty to-hand…
Excuse Number One – “I have no decent gym clothes to wear.”
Either they’re all in the laundry, (Oh, shucks, I forgot to wash my jogging bottoms again), or you just don’t have anything suitable in the first place. “All I have is baggy tees and jeans, looks like I’m not going for a work out.” Remember, to work out you need either track suit bottoms and a tracksuit top, sports shorts, oh and running shoes. So if you don’t have any of these, DO NOT DARE GO OUT AND BUY ANY. Not owning a pair of shorts is your greatest GET-OUT-OF-GOING-TO-THE-GYM card ever.
Excuse Number Two – “I’ve got nobody to go with.”
This is an easy one for us losers, because basically we don’t have many friends. We all know the gym is a much more fun place to be with somebody. If your good only friend Joey’s out of town, then you can’t possibly go to the gym alone, can you?
Excuse Number Three – “I haven’t eaten enough protein.”
Protein is an essential building block of muscle. If we didn’t eat any protein, we’d pretty much wither away and die. We all know that, so therefore if you’re going to the gym and doing resistance training, you need to eat protein. A diet of cookies and soda is a good enough excuse to never set foot inside a gym again. Who wants to eat beef and broccoli all day anyway? Get yourself down to Krispy Kremes at once, and make it a large soda so you’ve got enough sugar in your system not to have to go to the gym for a month!
Excuse Number Four – “I haven’t washed today in a week.”
Nobody likes a stinky person hanging out at the gym sweating and leaving their stench all over the equipment. If you rarely set foot the other side of your shower curtain, then you’ve got a pretty good excuse not to be hanging out sweating around other people. If you haven’t bathed today, that’s a great excuse not to go to the gym.
Excuse Number Five – “I’m afraid of the bullies at the gym.”
This is legit if you’re scrawny and weak: people will laugh at your attempts on the bicep curl machine. (Ha ha, he’s only pressing 25kgs, look at that pussy!) No one likes to be laughed at.
Excuse Number Six – “I have cancer anyway so I’m going to die in the next four years.”
This one’s also pretty legit. There are plenty of other things you can do with your time rather than trying to sculpt your body: there are zillions of computer games to complete, tonnes of good television series to watch, and then there’s nature: go and stare at a flower or a tree or a horse in a field chewing on some grass. All much better uses of your short time you have left on the planet.